


One Piece PETs: Random Facts

by moonlitinuyasha1985, XFangHeartX



Series: One Piece PETs [112]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Anthropomorphic, Cosmopolitan, F/M, Implied Sexual Content
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-21
Updated: 2015-03-21
Packaged: 2018-03-18 22:47:38
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,067
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3586851
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/moonlitinuyasha1985/pseuds/moonlitinuyasha1985, https://archiveofourown.org/users/XFangHeartX/pseuds/XFangHeartX
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Nami & Robin surf through the internet, looking at random sites. Takes place post-timeskip.</i>
</p>
            </blockquote>





	One Piece PETs: Random Facts

**One Piece PETs: Random Facts**

 

(I do not, nor will I EVER, own One Piece. This glorious series belongs to the astute Eiichiro Oda.)

 

 

*****9:35 P.M.*****

 

Around this time, everyone is asleep...everyone except a certain monkey, cat, and crane.

 

   Monkey D. Luffy, in his birthday suit, was in the Women's Quarters, lying on the bed, playing the latest pokemon game on his Nintendo 3DS and he also had a piece of meat in his mouth.

 

   His girlfriend, Nami, was sitting next to Nico Robin on the bed, both of them were wearing nothing but their form-fitting panties. Nami's was a fearless cheekini and Robin's was a strappy cheekini.

 

Robin's fiance, Roronoa Zoro, was hugging her waist as he snoozed away in her lap. He, too, was in his birthday suit.

 

As the scene suggests, they had all finished their romping and have some free time to do whatever they want before turning in for the night.

 

At the moment, Nami and Robin are on their laptop, looking up whatever they could find on Google.

 

"Hmmm..." Nami hummed, bored.

 

Robin yawned. Then, she found something.

 

"This looks interesting," she said.

 

"What is it?" Nami asked.

 

"This article on ridged condoms," Robin answered. "Says that they're actually more enjoyable than most."

 

"Yeah, well these reviews say otherwise," Nami pointed out. "Look."

 

Robin went over to look and she saw many less-than-stellar reviews of the ridged condoms.

 

"Ooh," she muttered. "That's not good."

 

"Customers are always right," spoke Nami. "no way am I wasting any of our money on cheap-ass condoms."

 

"Let's see what's next." suggested Robin.

 

Nami hummed as she scrolled down.

 

"Oh, look, here's one about Cosmopolitan's worst sex tips." she pointed out.

 

"Ugh, I can't stand Cosmopolitan," groaned Robin. "they don't give out accurate sex positions at all."

 

"I know," Nami agreed. "hell, they give out the worst advice, period."

 

"Amen." concurred Robin.

 

So, Nami clicked on the article and glanced at all of the terrible tips that Cosmopolitan said would spice up a couple's sex life.

 

"Oh, here's one," she spoke up before reading aloud, "Oh, this is funny. You'll like this. 'To achieve sex-goddess status, you have to truly master his man bits.'"

 

Robin chuckled a little.

 

"You're right," she giggled. "That is funny."

 

Luffy just yawned as he kept playing his game, not really listening and Zoro only snored.

 

"Oh, this is rich," Robin commented before reading aloud, "'Hold his penis in one hand and lightly slap it with the other...you can tap it back and forth like you're volleying a tennis ball and lightly pinch the skin on his *bleep!* and balls. Many women make the mistake of being too gentle.'"

 

"Are you serious?!" Nami asked. "Why would you do that?!"

 

Next, she laughed.

 

"That is just ridiculous!" she exclaimed.

 

"I know!" Robin agreed, laughing. "This next one says 'Think of his shaft...like the outer curve of your breast. ...Take his shaft between your open palms and tap it back and forth, almost like you're volleying a tennis ball. The quick movements are a fun way to wake up his nerves.'"

 

Both girls laughed at this.

 

"Where do they come up with this shit?!" Nami asked.

 

"I have no idea," Robin answered.

 

"This is one's really funny," Nami pointed out before she read the sentence aloud, "'Firmly hold the bottom of his shaft in one hand and slowly push it towards the base. (Imagine you're pushing his penis into his body).' Ow."

 

Robin snickered as she covered her mouth.

 

"Oh, my goodness...!" she giggled.

 

"Wait, wait, wait, this one's really funny!" cried Nami. "'Alternate between swiveling both wrists in opposite directions and stroking your hands upward, twisting your wrists when you reach his head as though you are turning a doorknob. Rub your thumb in a tiny figure-eight pattern over his frenelum... Or try the windshield-wiper move; glide your thumb from side to side along the rim where his head begins, then move your thumb up and over the top of the head several times.'"

 

Both girls burst into laughter at this while Luffy still played his game. However, he looked very tired now.

 

"Man, am I tired." he muttered. "I'll just take a bite out of this piece of meat before shutting my eyes."

 

That is just what he did. As he slept, Nami and Robin continued reading all of the terrible sex tips from Cosmopolitan.

 

"Here's the last one," Nami giggled. "'Grasp his hands and coax them into a prayer position, then position hands over his... Your words [will] become more persuasive to him, though he won't know why.'"

 

"Are you kidding me?!" Robin asked before she laughed. "Just how ridiculous can they get!?"

 

Nami laughed, too.

 

"Hoo, boy," she sighed. "these supposed tips are a riot!"

 

"Let's look at the next article," suggested Robin.

 

"Oh, here's one!" Nami pointed out. "'16 Sex Positions From Cosmo That Would Never Work'."

 

"This should be good," Robin smirked.

 

"Yup," concurred Nami. "okay, here's one: the 'Passion Propeller'."

 

"The 'Passion Propeller'?!" Robin repeated before she snickered. "Are you serious?!"

 

"Says here that after attempting this position will make you only stick with missionary for life." Nami pointed out.

 

"Not surprising," Robin spoke. "what's next?"

 

"V For Vixen," Nami answered. "how is this position even possible?"

 

"I don't know," Robin replied. "oh, what about this one. The "Submarine"."

 

"Man, who the hell are they kidding?!" Nami questioned. "That's practically impossible!!"

 

"Oh, and this one," Robin spoke up. "'Torrid Tug of War'."

 

"Says here that 'You’ll soon discover you’re both holding in gas. A lot of gas.' ...Ew."

 

"Ditto," Robin agreed.

 

"Oh, and look at this one," Nami spoke up. "The Vibrating V, what is that?!"

 

"I don't think I even WANT to know," Robin answered.

 

"Same," agreed Nami.

 

"Oh, my god," muttered Robin as she spotted yet another ridiculous position. "Sexy Scissors."

 

"How is being handled like a household tool sexy?" Nami inquired. "It's impractical!"

 

"Exactly!" Robin exclaimed.

 

"Look at this, the 'Downward-Facing Doggie'." Nami pointed at the position on the screen. "How is that even possible?!"

 

"No clue." answered Robin. "Oh, this is rich, 'Rock His Boat'."

 

"Well, I wouldn't worrying about seasickness, seeing as how we're pirates," Nami explained. "However, I do worrying about both you and Luffy drowning should anything go wrong and for the marines being on our asses for having sex in a public lake or any other body of water."

 

"But, you and Luffy have sex in public places all the time," Robin pointed out. "Especially in lakes."

 

"Yeah, only cuz the positions we use are safe and we make sure that the marines don't catch us," Nami added.

 

"True." Robin nodded.

 

The archaeologist scrolled down to see what other position she and the navigator could make fun of.

 

"This next one's the 'Ladder Lovin’'," she pointed out.

 

"Once again, not a good idea." Nami spoke up. "Oh, and this one's the 'Yes! Yes! Yes!'"

 

"There is actually a position called that?" Robin questioned.

 

"Only in the Cosmopolitan Kama Sutra," answered Nami. "Awkward sliding? No, thanks."

 

Nami scrolled down and found the next impossible position.

 

"'The Hot Rod'," the Booted Puss Woman spoke up, before snickering. "Really?"

 

"I thought shower sex was supposed to be safe," Robin spoke up. "This makes like look it might be dangerous!"

 

"I know!" Nami added. "Oh, boy. 'The Erotic Accordion'? What's so erotic about a musical instrument?!"

 

"Nothing, obviously," Robin answered. "what on earth were they thinking, publishing this nonsense?"

 

"They weren't thinking, that's the problem." Nami answered. "Oh, sweet Ceiling Cat, Robin check this out: 'The Love Triangle'."

 

"There's actually a position called the 'Love Triangle'?" the Crane Woman questioned in disbelief. "I thought that was only for romance novels!"

 

"Me, too!" Nami exclaimed.

 

"Oh, here's a god one," added Robin. "'The Lusty Leg Lift'."

 

"...Seriously?" Nami asked.

 

"Seriously." Robin answered.

 

"Wow." Nami muttered. "Just...wow."

 

"It even says that after attempting such a position, it'll ruin becoming aroused by the idea getting head for the rest of your life." Robin added as she read the article. "As well as injure the penis and cause severe neck pain."

 

"That's horrible," Nami commented, dismally. "I can't imagine not giving Luffy BJs ever again. We'd both go nuts!"

 

"Same with Zoro and myself," concurred Robin. "another thing, I'm not all that fond of the idea of having neck pains..."

 

"Me, either," Nami acceded. "Even if he is made of rubber, I don't wanna take chances."

 

"Right," nodded Robin. "This last one's called 'Twist-a-Girl'."

 

"That would certainly kill any guy's libido," Nami remarked. "Plus, the name sounds painful."

 

" _Yes,_ " Robin agreed in Russian.

 

"Let's look at another article," Nami suggested.

 

Robin clicked on a link to another article.

 

"'7 Sex Tips That Will Put You in Hospital'," Robin read. "oh, boy."

 

"Let's see what they got," said Nami. "Oh, look! Here's one! 'Bite the Family Jewels'...I'm sorry, what?"

 

"Why would any man want someone to do that?!" Robin asked.

 

As if they both heard, Luffy and Zoro shuddered in their sleep.

 

"Oh, here's another crazy one," Nami pointed out. "'Shake His Nuts'."

 

"Pfft..!!" Robin snickered. "Oh, god...!"

 

"Are you serious?!" Nami asked. "How is shaking a guy's family jewels sexy!?"

 

"It just isn't," Robin answered. "that's all there is to it."

 

That's when she spotted the next lousy tip.

 

"Good lord, Nami look at this one," the archaeologist told her. "'Yank His Crotch Hair.'"

 

"Oh, hell no!!" Nami cried. "Do they not understand how much that hurts?!"

 

"Apparently not," Robin replied. "I swear, I will NEVER do that."

 

"Neither will I." added Nami.

 

She scrolled down and read the next tip.

 

"'Sneezegasm?'" she questioned. "What the hell is that?!"

 

"Apparently, it's when you sneeze and have an orgasm at the same time," answered Robin. "either way, it's still absurd."

 

"I'll say it is," Nami acknowledged.

 

"'Milk His Cow'," Robin read the following. "What?!"

 

"Are they insane?!" Nami questioned. "Are they trying to ruin sex for everybody!?"

 

"Apparently so," Robin deadpanned. "up next is 'Go Joystick On His Boner', because all schlongs are just like a video game joystick and should be handled as such!"

 

"What kind of shit is that?!" Nami asked. "Now, I know they really wanna ruin sex for everybody!"

 

"This last one is literally called 'Put Him in the Fucking Hospital'," Robin read. "where you perform a rugburn on a man's penis and this method has been banned by the Geneva Convention."

 

"They're crazy..." Nami muttered. "Those assholes are really crazy!"

 

"Indeed," Robin nodded.

 

Once again, Luffy and Zoro shuddered in their sleep.

 

"Poor boys," Nami spoke up as she looked at them. "They might be having nightmares, right now."

 

"Zoro," Robin spoke, softly. "Zoro, wake up."

 

"Huh?!" Zoro muttered as he woke up. "Robin, what is it?"

 

"Are you okay?" Robin asked. "You looked like you were having a nightmare."

 

"Ugh...you don't know the half of it," Zoro replied. "I dreamt that you bit down on my family jewels!"

 

"You know that I would never do such a horrible thing to you," Robin told him. "I love you."

 

"I love you, too, Robin," responded Zoro. "it's just that that dream felt so real."

 

"You think that's crazy?" asked Luffy, who is now awake. "Try dreaming about Nami yanking your pubes!"

 

"Lulu- _chan_ , I would never torture you like that," spoke Nami. "I'm not a sadist!"

 

"Yeah, I know," Luffy replied. "It's just...it felt so real, and--OH, MY GOD, MY 3DS WENT OUT AND I DIDN'T SAVE!!!"

 

"Luffy, don't sweat it," Nami told him. "you can always start over."

 

"But I was about to beat the Champion~!" Luffy whined with comical tears.

 

"There, there, Lulu- _chan_ ," Nami soothed as she pulled the Monkey Man into her embrace. "It'll be all right."

 

Luffy sniffled as he hugged Nami.

 

"Thank you, Nami," he spoke up.

 

"Anytime, boo," she replied.

 

(A/N: Yes, she called him "boo".)

 

"So, uh," Luffy started. "what were you and Robin doing anyway?"

 

"...You don't wanna know," Nami answered. "trust me."

 

"I trust you." Luffy replied.

 

So, anyway, the navigator and the archaeologist found yet another interesting article.

 

"Oh, boy," Nami muttered. "I can't wait to see this one."

 

"I wonder what sex positions could be so terrible that they were banned from the Kama Sutra." Luffy pondered.

 

"Let's find out," said Robin.

 

Nami clicked on the link and the website appeared.

 

"Here's one," Nami spoke up. "'The Flaming Serpent', Fatalities: 112, and--"

 

"Whoa, whoa, whoa!!" Luffy cried. "Back up! There are sex poses that can KILL people?!"

 

"Evidently," answered Robin. "it says here that you dip your manhood in lighter fluid, ignite it, and to put it out, you thrust into yourself into your lover's 'mossy bank' as they would call it."

 

"Why the fuck would any guy dip their cocks in lighter fluid, set it on fire, and then stick their flaming wangs into their girlfriends?!" Luffy questioned. "It's absolutely insane!!"

 

"Says here that the fire is supposed to steam upon impact since the woman's nether regions are wet and combined with the flesh, it can cause nine orgasms in a row." Nami added. "What kind of nonsense is that?!"

 

"How is that supposed to cause nine orgasms!?" Robin questioned. "I wouldn't even be alive!!"

 

"Neither will I!" added Nami.

 

Zoro shuddered.

 

"I just had a mental picture...!" he whispered. "And it ain't pretty...!"

 

"What else does it say?" Robin asked.

 

"Says that it hasn't been done since 1998," Nami answered. "That's a rather long time."

 

"Good," spoke Zoro. "Better it stay that way."

 

"Agreed," concurred Luffy, Nami, and Robin.

 

Robin scrolled down to the next banned position.

 

"'Bring The Goats Up The River', Fatalities: 216, and how it is performed is there must be two partners, balancing on each other over a bucket of water. When one partner leans forward to go down on the other one, the other partner’s head goes underwater. When that partner has an orgasm and comes out of the water, the _OTHER_ partner’s head goes underwater, and so on, and so forth. One person is always performing on the person whose head is dunked, and it switches."

 

"...What?" Luffy asked in disbelief.

 

"You're joking, right?" asked Zoro.

 

"Apparently not," Robin answered.

 

"Says that there's also a rumor going around that Ariel favors this position when she and Eric get down and dirty." Nami added.

 

"Seriously!?" Luffy questioned. "How are they still alive?!"

 

"I guess that's one of the perks of being a mermaid," Zoro quipped.

 

"Yup," concurred Robin.

 

"Oh, boy, look at this," spoke Nami. "Backalley Pancake Plate, Fatalities: 389, and it may sound tasty, but that's how it gets you. You lay on your back while your partner lies down on their back on top of you, and then a third--"

 

"A third?!" Luffy questioned, causing Nami to glare at him. "Sorry."

 

"As I was saying," Nami continued, "a third partner puts a bear trap, face down, on the top partner's stomach."

 

"A bear trap?!" Zoro questioned. "Who came up with this bull?!!"

 

"I don't know!" Nami cried. "It also says that the trick is to get your partner to climax using as little movement as possible and that the bear trap never actually goes off."

 

"How is that even possible?!" Robin asked.

 

"It's not possible!" Zoro answered. "No wonder there's so many fatalities!"

 

"What about the next one?" Luffy asked.

 

"'The Gladiator’s War Hammer'," Robin answered. "Fatalities: 439, this position involves a man with a large wang sitting on the ground, facing upwards. Next, a bunch naked women will climb 'the tree', and they would jump down from a height, and attempt to land on his--"

 

"AAAH!!" Zoro cried. "MAKE IT STOP!!!!"

 

"It also says there's a rumor about how this is how Tom Cruise conceives his children." Robin added.

 

"Really?!" Luffy questioned.

 

"Yes," Robin nodded.

 

"That's insane!" exclaimed Zoro. "How can Katie do it?!"

 

"I have no clue," was Robin's response. "Oh, and here's the final one."

 

"Thank god!" cried Luffy.

 

"This one is named 'Dante’s Seven Harmonies Converge'," Robin started. "Fatalities: Unknown, and...oh, my."

 

"What?" Zoro asked. "What does it say?"

 

"Yeah!" Luffy spoke up. "The suspense is maddening!!"

 

"There isn't much," replied Robin.

 

"Really?" Nami asked. "How come?"

 

"I'm getting to that," Robin answered. "The reason being is because it is said to bring about the end of the world, and there are only two people who willingly tried it, George Bush Jr. and KE$HA. That actually sounds terrifying!"

 

"A sex pose that could bring about the apocalypse?!" Luffy questioned. "How the hell is that even possible!?"

 

"I almost don't want to know," Nami spoke up.

 

"The article feels the same way," Robin added. "in fact, it won't even explain the whole thing, for fear of bringing about bad luck. I don't blame them."

 

"...Well...I guess I won't be sleeping tonight," Luffy murmured.

 

"Neither will I," Zoro added. "in fact, I think hearing all of this has scared me limp."

 

"Same," Luffy admitted.

 

"Aw~, my poor Gummy Monkey," Nami cooed as she hugged Luffy. "would a belly rub make you feel better?"

 

"...A little." answered the Monkey Man.

 

Nami smiled before she began to rub Luffy's abdominal area.

 

"Thank you, Nami."

 

"You're welcome, Luffy."

 

At that moment, Luffy yawned.

 

"I'm sleepy, now..." he whispered.

 

"Then, sleep, my captain." Nami spoke in a gentle voice.

 

Luffy smiled before he lied down on the bed and Nami lay beside him.

 

"Goodnight, Luffy."

 

"G'Night, Nami..."

 

   In a second, Luffy and Nami were in Dreamland. Now, we cut back to Robin and Zoro. The Crane Woman was scratching the Tiger Man's ears, causing him to purr.

 

"Do you feel better now, _Tora-kun_?" Robin asked.

 

"Yeah," Zoro answered. "Thanks, Robin."

 

"You're welcome." Robin replied with a kiss on the cheek.

 

Zoro yawned, showing all of his teeth.

 

"I'm beat..." he muttered, sleepily.

 

Robin smiled and told him, "Well, I think we've both had enough excitement for one night."

 

"You ain't kidding," concurred Zoro as he lay down on the bed. "Those articles you read were nuts!"

 

"And then some," added Robin. "I didn't think there was a sex pose that could actually bring about the end of the world."

 

"Let's pray that no one ever tries to attempt such a pose," spoke Zoro. "anyway, _Oyasumi_ , Robin."

 

" _Oyasumi_ , Zoro." Robin responded as she nodded off.

 

With that, they both fell asleep.

**Author's Note:**

> The idea came to me while looking at a website that listed the Top Five Sex Positions that will kill you.
> 
>  
> 
> Here are the names of the other websites, if you wanna check them out:
> 
>  
> 
> "Cosmo‘s 44 Most Ridiculous Sex Tips"
> 
>  
> 
> "16 Sex Positions From Cosmo That Would Never Work"
> 
>  
> 
> "7 Sex Tips from Cosmo That Will Put You in the Hospital"
> 
>  
> 
> "The Five Most Deadly Sexual Positions Currently Banned From The Kama Sutra"


End file.
